September 06, 2013
'Stronger Than Every Fear'
Kind of the best quote ever (taken from http://yroc.posthaven.com/2013-leadville-trail-100-run):
-Killian Jornet (25 years old, amazing runner and athlete, and far wiser than I'll ever be)
Killian puts into words what I have not been able to comprehend myself.
You can seriously drive yourself crazy doing that.
And, while I thought I was helping myself at least feel like I could finish the race, as a friend told me and I couldn't quite see right away, I am actually hurting myself.
I'm struggling to have faith in myself (the irony of the blog title 'Diary of a Badass' is not lost on me at this moment...seeing as I usually cannot convince myself that I am actually a badass). I am notoriously hard on myself for workouts and bad running performances and I've kind of built in this negativity towards myself with fitness. 'I'm not strong enough. Oh sure, you sound impressed that I can do this distance, but let me detail to you how unimpressive it really is and how weak I actually am.' I'm SO good at that.
Someone will say, 'WOW! You did a 50K? That's a lot of K's!'
And I'll say in response, 'Yeah...well, I finished, but it took me 10 hours, and I wanted to quit the whole time. Actually, the only reason I finished was because I met this new friend and she pushed me to the finish line. I didn't really run...so it's not that impressive. Anyone can walk that far...'
When someone pays me a compliment, in two seconds flat I am talking them out of it. Giving reasons and excuses as to why they shouldn't say that about me. It's one thing to be humble...it's another thing to be completely pessimistic about yourself. And unfortunately, I'm always the latter.
I say AMEN to that one. I think I need it poster size, hung up all over work and the house so I can have a constant reminder. I have had so many days/moments since starting my training for this fifty miler where I have just wanted to throw in the towel. It is not easy to train for a fifty mile trail race. It's made even harder when you have a constant bad attitude.
So, I need to let all my fears go about not being fast enough and missing a cutoff or my body falling apart. One of the great things about ultras is that they are unpredictable. You can do everything in your power to prepare, but you never know what the day will throw at you.
I'm going to stop beating myself up. I'm going to do my best. And it's going to be good enough for me.
After all...I just need to K.I.S.S.
(keep it simple, stupid). Running is just putting one foot in front of the other.
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